It’s Monday and I survived. I performed a two night run of my debut one-woman show ‘(Un)expecting’ and I survived. I say “survived” because for the last 3 months I was convinced I was going to die. I could not see past August 9th and 10th. Just a black hole. “If I’m not perfect I will be rejected. If I’m not good enough and they find out I will be shamed and ridiculed and then rejected. If all this happens I will be pushed from the tribe and I am out in the wild to fend for myself.” The stories of my ego hound my subconscious, remnants of childhood wounds that still have a measure of power over me.

I see you coming fear and you are just an illusion. When fearful thoughts take hold of my physical being and now I have anxiety gripping my chest and neck in a vice then its just that touch harder to let go but I have tools. Talk it out with friends and partner. Breath, breath, breath and for goodness sake stay in the light… in your mind Lizzie. Visualize the light washing through your very soul blah blah blah… or Netflix and junk food… either way make it stop.

My intention when I started this lofty project was to take a subject that was causing me pain, ‘internalized homophobia’ and then use comedy and performance as a therapeutic process for myself. After all, practice what you preach Lizzie!! Why now? Because I am attempting to get pregnant and I am gay and I started to have really horrible feelings of shame because maybe I wasn’t a ‘real woman’ or that I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong.’ I know I don’t want to pass shame down to a potential child or to my 8-year-old stepdaughter. Enough is enough.

The process involved a willingness to look directly into the face of shame. Ask it why it’s there? Then shine some stage lighting on it and see if it disburses. That was the loose plan anyway. A fairly big risk says my beating heart. Shame is very secretive, it loves to operate in the darkness. “Get vulnerable” says a Texan on a Ted Talk.

My partner is my cheerleader and number one fan and together we set out to make something worthy of the stage. We booked a theatre 9 months ago. Somehow, a show would come. It came alright and went. hours, days, months of work for two 1 hour performances. Am I crazy? yes. Was it worth it? Yes!

The first night some beautiful people who love me came to the Theatre and watched as I peeled back my skin, cracked open my ribs and exposed my hurting heart- that’s a little dramatic- thats because it was dramatic darrrrrrrling. First time I’ve done real acting!! I cried on stage, I did some acting guys!! It was really cool. My show was a mix of comedy, music, media and crying!!! It was epic.

I went home with my open exposed heart so full of love and gratitude for my beautiful friends and family who love me unconditionally. I am really proud of myself for daring to step out of my comfort zone and create a bigger space to live.

3 weeks ago I tried to quit, my partner said “No, too many people have poured time and energy into this show and it’s not just your show anymore.” When it came to crunch time I stepped up to the plate and I hit a home run and yeah fuck it I’m gonna celebrate myself. Well done Lizzie Allan YOU DID IT!.