FLEETING EXISTENCE

I feel like I’m wading through the mud this morning. Last night I felt unusually fearful and down. I had a headache and went to bed for a lie-down, my vision felt strange and I was unsettled. It was 5 pm, not the best time to go for a nap, weird energies about.

I fell into a half-sleep, my Grandpa popped into my mind and I felt how alone and rejected he was when he died, I can’t describe it other than bleak and grey. Then another thought came in the form of an image; a conveyer belt in space with all of us falling off the end.

I came out of the bedroom disturbed out of rest. I positioned myself on the sofa, purposely facing away from the TV. The news headlines spilling worry and doom into the room. My partner came over and asked the usual caring questions, “would you like some tea? How is your head?” I gave a pathetic response, unable to muster a smile. Just at that moment, I noticed a tiny spider crawling down the back of the sofa towards me, so I gently moved it up and again it began to walk down. My partner, who was perched next to me watching this, pressed the tiny creature hard with her unforgiving finger ending its tiny life forever. It fell down between the seat of the sofa and the back, its life unmourned and irrelevant. I felt sad about the shocking finality of it.

I’m watching you

In my spare time this weekend I have binge-watched Mindhunter, a very disturbing show about serial killers. Do you think this has got anything to do with my terrible feelings?

LOTS OF LOVE,

LIZZIE XXX

Me on some of my brighter days HERE

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