When It Feels Dark

Dear Friend,

I woke up in the early hours of the morning, the rain clattering against the window.

And the first thing I thought was — what am I thinking?

Am I really going to find a van and drive across America in the middle of winter? Is that really my plan?

A wave of dread came over me. Am I in a nightmare? Am I really doing this?

Yes, I am doing it. I hear my own calm voice. Or my higher self. Or whatever voice it is that keeps calling me to get uncomfortable and step into this mission with both feet.

Then I thought of yesterday.

I was walking through the village, planning to cut through the churchyard and across the fields, when I suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of emotion. And yes, I have my period. But this was like a sudden wave of deep gratitude and love passing through my body; emotion rose in my chest, bringing tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I felt strongly that I wasn't alone. I stood taller, bolstered by a feeling of certainty.

Then, as I turned down the lane toward the church, I saw a security sticker labelled GUARDIAN. It made me smile.

It was a clear sign that I am always guided and guarded. Even when I feel alone.

In the early hours, when the dread hit, I eventually got up and listened to a conversation with Federico Faggin — physicist and inventor of the microprocessor. Not someone you'd expect to be talking about love as the fundamental nature of reality. But that's exactly what he does. His conclusion? Consciousness is real. Love is the force underlying all things. And we are unbreakably connected to something larger than ourselves.

And I thought — yes. That's it. That's why I am trusting this calling. I am part of the one great whole, and I am safe.

America is full of brilliant women living in abstinence-based recovery. Women who went into the darkness and found their light. I'm going to find them. And we are going to shine our light together — straight through the fear, the noise, and the dark.

This is not an easy chapter for me. And yet the reality is, it couldn't be easier. I only have to keep walking forward, keep trusting myself, a day at a time. What I need will show itself. Resources and money flow in the service of ideas. And this is a big idea born from love.

Even though it feels like I'm stepping out into the cold, I know in my heart the road will rise to meet me, and love and friendship surround me. Always.

I am safe, guided and guarded.

And so it is.

Thank you for walking with me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Lizzie